June 16, 2011

Frequently Asked Questions

Hi! I’m Jane. My husband Shane and I are planning a Koi Assisted Water birth for our son, due October 4, 2011. I’ve gotten a few questions, so I thought I’d put together a website.

How are the koi going to assist? They’re stuck in the water
We have a large 3500 gallon koi tank and have about 15 mature fish. The tank is indoors, so it’s perfect for a water birth.

Why koi?
Koi, or 錦鯉, are ornamental varieties of domesticated Cyprinus carpio). Koi are excellent birthing partners. Female koi give birth to thousands or tens of thousands of babies with the assistance of their male companions. That’s exactly the kind of birthing energy I want! Also, we know that reducing stress levels promotes a healthy, safe, faster birth. I can’t think of anything more stressless than floating in a warm water tank, letting go and letting my fish companions guide me through birth.

Uh, bacteria? Algae?
We plan to do a Potassium Permanganate treatement in early labor. We’ll have to pull the plants out, but it sterilizes the water and the fish, then you neutralize it with hydrogen peroxide, another anti-microbial. It’s a well known parasite treatment for fish. In general the koi tank water is safe enough to drink if it’s safe enough to support healthy fish. But we’re not taking any chances. Potassium Permanganate it is. Bonus – It’s purple!

Isn’t it a little cold?
No, we have a heater.

Are you planning an unassisted birth?
Uh, no silly! The koi will be there. And, of course, I have a midwife. I’m not stupid. Midwife attended births are safer than unassisted births. But I expect the koi to take the lead role in the birth. My midwife can sit on the pond edge, or I’ll have an air mattress for her. I have a wonderful doula, too, for extra support for myself and my husband.

What does your midwife think?
Well, it’s not up to her. She can have her babies her way, and I’ll do my birth my way.

How long does the baby stay under water?
Well, I plan to let the koi guide him up to me. But Shane will be standing by with a net, just in case.

276 comments:

  1. I truly expect this to be a miraculous experience, and defining moment for all of us!

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  2. I just pissed myself. This is awesome.

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  3. Sounds like the chemicals you are adding will have you covered on the chance that you are group B strep positive? How will your midwife estimate blood loss if the water is purple? also, can the koi take care of the placenta, or are they vegetarians?

    I think this will be a great birth, and feel that babies bond so well with fish anyway, since they both have or recently had gills!

    glad to be a part of it!

    And maybe I can dangle my legs in and have the koi clean all the dead skin cells off, just like in the fancy salons!

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  4. drive thru posting - this is awesome!

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  5. The Koi are totally gonna imprint on your spawn, Mama. TOTES LIKE TWILIGHT! Fish guardians throughout her formative years!

    Hugs bewombed Gaian entity (and your gill-bearing midfish)

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  6. OMG, this is like the kewlest idea evah!! And I totally herd koi can talk to babies, well I herd dolphins could but they're both like fish right!

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  7. What an inspiring plan, mama! Your son will clearly have a bright future ahead of him after a birth this amazing! Perhaps he'll be a marine biologist?

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  8. I could be wrong but am I right is assuming this is your first birth experience?

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  9. What are you going to go for - boiling the fish or freezing the baby as they both need different temps!

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  10. How will the midwife check for meconium/check your blood loss if the water is purple?

    And you do know you will more than likely poo in the water?

    And won't the hydrogen peroxide sting like a bugger on your fanjo if you have a tear?

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  11. I hope you have told the fish your plans. I am sure that they are so attuned to you that they already know about your pregnancy and birth, but it would be wrong to surprise such sensitive creatures. Perhaps you could talk to them and show them diagrams of what will happen.

    You must think about food for the birth; a tuna sandwich would offend, Pom Bears will melt, maybe you could have some nice ham and a Froot Shoot

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  12. Are the Koi OK in 38 degree celsius water? I think you have to have a warm pool to give birth in. What happens if you accidentally rip the head off a fish in your labour? [disclaimer, I THINK I did this in mine, but maybe that was just the drugs]

    Seriously, though, um, best of luck, I think the most important thing about labour is feeling relaxed about it, and if you need koi to do that great. However, you know you can't take Koi into the operating theatre if you need to transfer for an emergency c-section right?

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  13. I've heard actually that goats are better birthing companions than koi

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  14. I'm sure the viewing window on the side of the tank will come in handy for the midwife.

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  15. It's a toy you're supposed to buy for the baby, not a Koi.

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  16. Surely cod would be better than koi?

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  17. But cod can't spell. Would that not be a problem for filling in the maternity notes?

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  18. Do the Koi know they have to guide the baby up to you? I agree that some diagrams could be a good idea. Maybe there are fish trainers that could help prepare the koi for the experiance?

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  19. Midwife + fish = fishwife?

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  20. Seriously though, if this isn't a wind up, it would make a very good one - my sincere advice if you're ACTUALLY considering this is to consult a doctor (preferably a gynaecologist) and a Koi fish expert. I am neither, but I really feel that it's not in the best interests of the fish OR for your baby, to continue with this mad plan. No, no one can tell you how to birth your baby, but you're planning to stick chemicals like hydrogen peroxide in the water - you do know that's BLEACH, don't you? HOW is that natural? HOW is that good for your baby to ingest in whatever minute quantity? HOW is it ok to have a higher than normal temperature for the fish, and a lower one for the baby? This is neither hygienic, and come the time if you go ahead with it you'll be risking your health, your babie's health and the health of your fish. If you're doing it just to be 'individual' then it's deluded.
    THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! PLEASE!!!

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  21. Are you sure your pool is deep enough for a water birth?

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  22. something really fishy about all of this

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  23. If you're serious about this then you are quite quite bonkers.

    Potassium permanganate and hydrogen peroxide solutions really aren't good for newborns, or vulnerable vaginas.

    And aren't Koi Carp carniverous? You might want to do a full finger/toe count check on your baby when it's born...

    Seriously though, if you want to birth in water I would (as a health professional) recommend that you use a birthing pool ALONGSIDE your koi pool.

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  24. i think they've been carping on about this for long enough now, there's a time and plaice for jokes......

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  25. hope the baby's a girl, call it Ariel?

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  26. I wonder if the baby will be called Wanda,Hmmm !!!

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  27. I can't believe this isn't a complete wind up. Fishing the baby our with a net is inspired.

    However, just in case you really are this insane, I would like to say that while its your birth, your choice, yadda yadda, here's a few ideas to run up the flag pole and see if they fly.

    1. Potassium Permanganate will stain you and your newborn a bluey-purple colour. Do you really want your newborn to be the same colour as a blueberry as you look at him/her for the first time? If you insist, the staining could last for quite a while making your first baby pictures very interesting - or needing a lot of work in photoshop.

    On a more serious note, it will also make it difficult to check that the baby doesn't have any blueness or discolouration from lack of oxygen.

    2. Most women defecate when they give birth. Check if this is OK for the fish and won't kill them. Dead fish will not make the birth memories more special.

    3. If you rip or tear, hydrogen peroxide is going to sting like hell. Its also really not good for sensitive baby skin.

    4. Koi will not swim the baby up to you, they will nibble it.

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  28. Get a grip love. From a mother of 4 beautiful healthy babies born at home in our bath minus the fish, chemicals and bleach !

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  29. I needed a giggle today.
    Thank you for this

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  30. Haters gonna hate, right? Sometimes, just sometimes, as a woman, as a mama, we KNOW what we need to help us and our babes along the mystic spiral of life and death. My first baby came earthside in a truly soul-less hospital, into latex gloved hands under all these lights and with machines beeping everywhere. For baby #2 I just KNEW I needed to be outside so in the end, listening to my inner wisdom, I chose to birth out in the woods. It was a beautiful, soul-satisfying outdoor unassisted labour and birth - with a fox barking under a full moon and an owl flying past. I left my placenta as a gift to mother earth who had nurtured us, and my son is still such a wood lover and a fox is definitely his totem animal. I am due with Baby 3 in November and am strongly sensing this child wants to come to us in the ocean. It will be cold but at this time of year the mama seals give birth on our beach so I am sensing Baby has a soul connection to these beautiful creatures and wants to be united with them in birth. YOur baby will have such a great connection to your beautiful koi! I love that my son and baby 3 have their powerful spirit guide animals - DD#1 just has this obsession with doctors and hospitals and is a hypochondriac due to her birth experience. Blessings to you mama! Love in Mother Earth, Willow

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  31. omg. this is fantastic. I'm going to get some koi in here RIGHT NOW.

    Sunny

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  32. I'm not sure which is madder. Koi shit + purple baby or a birth plan that involves popping it out in the ocean. In November. Get going on the Greggs, you're going to need that blubber.

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  33. Er Eve (upthread), you know that dolphins are mammals, don't you?

    Ignore her, Jane, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

    My friend did something like this, but she lives in NZ and did it in the hot springs in the summer. You'll need to make absolutely sure you get the temperature right, you don't want a repeat of what happened to my nephew during his birth (doesn't bear thinking about) but she's alright now.

    Good luck.

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  34. oh my bloody hell - someone call social services and warn them please

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  35. Hilarious, I nearly wet myself.

    Red.

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  36. ha ha ha ha ha, funniest thing I have read in a while. Love it!

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  37. i really enjoy the fact that people think this is serious. these people have never had a fish tank - let alone a koi fish tank(EW). LOL Enjoyed the post - and enjoyed the slightly frantic replies of silly-well-meaning people. there is so much chemically going on in a fresh-water fish tank no one with the knowledge of how to care for such a large tank would ever even CONSIDER it - except of course for satire, and that, most of us definitely appreciate! enjoy your new baby :)

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  38. You're off your head and should be allowed to reproduce in the first place as you're clearly going to just decrease the average IQ of the general population.
    Koi are cold water fish, do you know what happens when you heat the water up? They die.

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  39. Why can't you let a mama intuit the path to eathside that her child is seeking? I feel like the naysayers are men, Jane, and your SO is on board and his is the only male view you need. And even then, my friend actually left her partner when he tried to STOP her birthing with some huskies. Typical narrow male thinking. She knew what her baby wanted and in the end she found this AMAZING earth-loving woman in derbyshire who breeds them and she faciliated the birth with some of her breeding bitches there as supports. One of the dogs licked the baby clean. The video of the birth is so completely bloodly moving and affirming - you haters should watch it - you can search on you tube for "Lupa's canine assisted birth". It is like staring into the face of the universe. It was perfect for what she and her babe NEEDED and again, this little girl has such a BEAUTIFUL affinity with dogs now. Blessing to you, Jane. Willow

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  40. Jane- I will volunteer Cletus and Elvis to come and demonstrate to the fishies what they will be expected to do... we can do a mock labor class for them and make sure they are confident in their role.

    Kate

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  41. I heard that the medical supply store in Seattle is adding Koi to their catalog, you've started a movement!

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  42. That's great you are having the great beautiful birth you want, but please don't ridicule those of us who intelligently choose unassisted births. Actually, unassisted births ARE as safe as midwife assisted (for those of us who prepare and plan them). So thank you, in my four, planned and educated unassisted births, I know I made the right decision.

    I am not stupid either.

    Thank you.

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  43. Would not wanna be your midwife...But hey! your choice...!

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  44. Love, love, love your birth plan! What a fabulous synthesis of birth and aquatic energy! I have read too that the surrounding flora and fauna can have an impact on the vibrations of animal-birth assistants. For example, if you have something like bamboo growing nearby the presence of the bamboo and resulting sounds and energy waves coming from the bamboo reverberate to the fish (especially if they are koi since they are from the same hemisphere and topography as bamboo!)and deepen the abilities of the fish to support a birthing woman. So excited for you!

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  45. I just wanted to echo Mary Siever, and say that planned unassisted births are just as safe as midwife attended births. I've never seen any reliable study that indicates otherwise, but if you have, I'd love to see it.

    I know this piece is meant to be tongue-in-cheek (I think?), but please don't contribute to the misconception that birth is dangerous and only doctors and midwives make it safe.

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  46. oh my goodness you have got to be kidding me. This is nuts, and yes an unassisted birth is not good for anyone, if something were to go wrong you have no one around to help. I mean giving birth in the woods is so dangerous. Home births are great but with a midwife and giving birth in a giant fish tank is crazy.

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  47. sooo dangerous to do it all alone in the woods, etc. that's how we populated this earth, right Anonymous?? ^^

    inform yourselves, before you open your mouths please.

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  48. Hahahaha to funny that you think the anonymous person is the one not educated and the girl giving birth in the middle of the woods or a fish tank are the smart one. Way to funny.

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  49. How wonderful! When you've got the pond up to temp your fish will be nicely done, and Shane can usefully spend his time deep frying spuds indoors while you're pushing, so that dinner's ready when you've finished. Excellent plan.

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  50. How species centric to believe that a Koi cannot assist in a human birth! Their vibrational energy and intuit abilities make them far more equipped to assist a laboring mother than an OB that is clearly in the pockets of the pHARMaceutical industry. If more women had the courage to labor with amphibian attendants, imagine the global changes that could be made by the untainted and pure children of those births. Jane, I applaud your choice with both my fins.

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  51. Wow. Really hoping this is a joke. But some ACTUAL information on Koi...
    Koi don't "give birth". They lay eggs. They have nothing to do with raising the babies once they hatch. In fact.. "Because adults can be cannibalistic toward their own young, it is best for either the eggs or the adults to be removed from the pond." (http://www.ehow.com/how-does_4568893_koi-fish-give-birth.html).
    Using hydrogen peroxide will clear up the colour from the Potassium Permanganate but will cancel out the effects of it, leaving them susceptible once again to all the bacteria you're introducing to their water (http://www.pondcrisis.com/a_peroxide.html).
    And yes, if you put the water to the ideal 38C for the baby, the heat will kill the fish (http://koiclubsandiego.org/library/temperature.php) and greatly increase the bacteria in the water.

    To all the posters who compared this birth to their "outdoor" births... there's a huge difference between giving birth in a tub filled with animals sensitive to change and giving birth in an environment that you can't alter.

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  52. This is a joke?? You're gonna birth in a pool of fish that has had two chemicals in it - one of them being hydrogen peroxide!!! Sounds positively picturesque - all the best!!!

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  53. Gently now, mama, as much as I respect your right to birth with giant goldfish, I object to this method of birthing on vegan grounds. Consider this a warning.

    I expect you would get a higher plane of vibrational energy and joy out of a vegetable patch. Let his entrance in this world be embraced by the broad beans and aubergines. They pass no judgement and will not defaecate on him or you nor attempt to ingest your son's precious bodily fluids once he's earthside. Fish have no such respect and Koi are the trollish fish of the world.

    Whatever :)

    This post is now closed to new comments.

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  54. Giving birth in a wood was not dangerous. It was beautiful, natural and my child is far healthier and better adjusted than my child dragged from my body in a hospital. I cannot wait to birth baby 3 among the mama seals and feel their energy and the energy of their pups assisting us. Willow

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  55. THIS POST IS NOW CLOSED TO NEW COMMENTS!!!

    (Particularly those with pinniped midwives - don't you know they are the woo assimilating rats of the sea? Worse than Jane's Koi)

    Respectfully,

    CUNTHIA

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  56. Felicitations!

    Imma let you finish, Jane, I don't want to swagtellect on your fish fête , but what this post requires is some hermeneutic reasoning of Backusian density. What say you?

    May I also suggest unleashing your wombsteader on a throne of swords? Aren't you glad embolden you I did with absolutely no reference to Verfremdungseffekt?

    Mike Tyson for his appellation, Y/N/swag?

    What's your GRE score? I must know!

    /end swagging

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  57. The Koi will melt his DNA. Don't do this, Mama!

    :( :( :( :(

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  58. Are the koi circumcized? This makes more difference than you could possibly know.

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  59. You people obviously haven't had a baby before... do you have any idea how much blood there is? The inside of your body basically turns inside out. Oh and my sister in law had a home water birth for her first child..... her midwife didn't realise she was bleeding too much, and she had to get rushed to hospital and almost died of blood loss (placental abruption apparently). Luckily the patient's mother knew the signs and called the ambulance. But have fun with all that.

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  60. ^^ I had so much blood, I ended up making smoothies for my birth attendees to wash down the placental profiteroles. Good times.

    The woman will be fine. I can't understand why you'd be so worried, mama. The koi will see her through and if she gets to the point where she's feeling too peaked, I'm sure one of the dear fish will sacrifice themselves for her to nom on and regain valuable energy. It's the great circle of Koi.

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  61. "Female koi give birth to thousands or tens of thousands of babies with the assistance of their male companions." They lay thousands or tens of thousands of eggs that they then turn and begin to feed upon. WOW....I really hope this is a joke. We raise Koi and several other freshwater fish species and this is NOT something the fish are going to enjoy let alone participate in. While someone is calling children's services, look up the # to the local ASPCA office.

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  62. My koi would not want me invading their space. They would start jumping out if I slid my body into their tank. You had better start practicing now, if you think they are going to be OK with a new little fish being squeezed out of you in October. Also, my guys don't do chemicals, so the introduction of the potassium permanganate and other stuff needs to start now.

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  63. Vile Sacred WellJune 20, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    Have you considered becoming a friend?

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  64. I hope you'll post video after it is done.

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  65. I for one think this is the most insane thing I have ever heard of and you are in fact pretty CRAZY. I do not think the koi fish are going to bring you your baby he will pretty much float up on his own. What is the point of having a midwife there if she is not going to assist or do anything with you or baby....but dangle her damn feet in the water...I think that this is totally unsafe and you should not do it. But then again that is MHO as a mom of three!

    I really hope this is a sick joke.

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  66. Ahh yes Koi in their infinite wisdom have long been sought after by the wiser women of our world to birth their gaia blessed children. Whom will of course be Indigo's.

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  67. The wisest women of the world use lampreys.

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  68. I have decided to start renting Koi along with the birth tubs! what a great idea;)

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  69. You are going to have one fucked up kid. That is, IF the baby survives. God, when did the human race become so dumb!!!!

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  70. I don't know what's better, this post or the comments, rofl!!

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  71. Your gonna take your husbands prize posession and defile it. nice.. thats so like you

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  72. Woman! Do you think that you live in a damned Disney movie with anthropomorphic animals that are aware of the fact that you expect them to float your newborn up to the surface? This has to be either the best troll ever (which I do not think) or you have to be completely bat-shit crazy. I hope, for your and the child's health, that all goes well, but I'm afraid that you have misconstrued reality into your own fantasy.

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  73. As anurse mid-wife, I say you are endangering your child with this foolish idea.

    As to the fish, you will kill them with the chemiclas and the water temperature.

    Your child could get serious bacterial infections from the koi excrement.

    Water births are fine if someone is there who can help the baby once it is born.

    You ahve no idea what you are doing and have watched too way too many finding Nemo movies.

    The fish will NOT escort your baby, they will run as far away as possbile and die an awful death because you have poisoned their environment.

    You are a cruel and stupid person to do this to the poor fish and your poor "purple" child.

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  74. In my native language, if you talk about "koi" people will understand "testicle". Anyway, a balsy idea..

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  75. HAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    HAHAHEHEHEHEHEHHGHGHGHGHAAAAAAAAAAA

    WUNORIUNIKJHDFJHKEUYERUIREUHIREHURHUHHHH (snort)

    aaaaaaaah!

    this is hilarious.

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  76. Idiots raising an idiot

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  77. If you're not concerned with the health of your newborn then at least think what the STRESS alone will do to the KOI.....it's not a HAPPY outcome...

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  78. You're fucking retarded.

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  79. Koi do not give live birth. They lay 2000 to 3000 eggs. And what would all that blood in the water do to the Koi ??

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  80. I work with a man who raises Koi. He tells me that Koi do not give live birth. They only lay eggs - - 2 to 3 thousand of them. So your plan of having female Koi who have given birth be there to "assist" you - - - well, it just doesn't hold water !

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  81. Loathers gonna loathe, mama, fuck them and their anti-fish ways.

    Vibe high, Koi forever!

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  82. Loving the picture of the propsed 'midwife' at the end. Good mug shot for the headline when it reads 'Koi Midwife Fired For Malpractice' maybe the story will read as 'Midwife Koi assisted thousands of births, but at his first human birth he made a grave error of judgement and had a nibble at the newborn as he/she was exiting the birth canal. In a statement given though his lawyer, Mr Koi stated 'in my defence I had heard that most human have a bit of a poo and it was a long labour, I was hungry. I did not mean to nibble the baby, I only wanted the bit of sweetcorn she had ate the day before'. The parents have made no comment and are awaiting the outcome of the investigation.'

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  83. I have nothing against koi or water births infact i enjoy/ed both but not at the same time. I think what you are doing is cruel and detrimental to the fish and also harmful to your baby. The chemicals you are talking about using are nasty and i certainly wouldnt want my newborn covered in them or ingesting them. I really hope this is a wind up and if not thensome one official should put a stop to this dangerous practise straight away.

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  84. utter C. unts! Love from a huge one.

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  85. Sounds like a great way to end up with a dead baby. Get a grip.

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  86. Lady, you are making an ill-informed, romanticised decision. You say the Koi will 'assist with the birth'; this idea is and can only be in your mind, thus, a new age romanticised ideation is entertained to the detriment of your newborn. Basically, you're being silly. Water assisted, with a midwife fine if you wish.

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  87. Funniest thing I have read in a long time. I hope the coroner's report is just as funny.

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  88. This is awesome, mama.

    I'm glad for all the negative comments. It's obvious they're jealous they didn't think of it first. Ha ha :)

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  89. I hear live koi make an excellent mid-labor power snack AND that koi blood is a very healing salve for tearing. Not that you will tear, because I am sure you have been massaging and stretching your perineum with oil of koi since TTC.

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  90. Do you not realise that when you give birth, water and blood and poop will end up in your fish's water.......... i think this is a wind up personally, and if it's not, you're an idiot.

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  91. OMG...as a nurse...as a person with a brain....this horrifies me!!!! Not only does the whole process go against everything that is right...but lady...really....whatever you are smoking you need to stop...it will hurt your baby!!! Do you really put more stock in the help of the koi than the MIDWIFE????? Hello...they are FISH!!!! You are frickin' crazy!!!!

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  92. you're crazy - You might as well give birth whilst skydiving! If homo sapiens was meant to give birth in water, we would have had gills - use your brains, woman!

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  93. I think this is a really positive move for birth, and something we in hospitals could learn from. I've been inspired by your blog to suggest we install a tank of Koi in one of our theatres, so that women wanting a Koi birth can still have the fish present if mother nature (the bastard) has other ideas. We had to move the anaesthetic machine and anaesthetist out but all those buggers do is hang about delivery suite being charming anyway, and watching some fish is very restful and almost as good as a spinal anaesthetic for a caesarean.

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  94. To those that say that unassisted birth is safe because this used to be done - do you know how many mothers and babies used to die in labour (and still do where medical care not available)?

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  95. Good luck with being nuts!

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  96. id love to be a fly on the way when this goes tits up!! wouldnt u as a parent just love to have that on your Conscience! put u in a loony bin id say.

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  97. Proving that you are incredibly stupid, I wonder if you ever came across this equation: 2 H2O2 → 2 H2O + O2. Essentially, your Hydrogen Peroxide in water becomes more water.
    If this is real, you deserve whatever happens.
    If this is a joke, thank you for the best belly laugh I've had in a while.

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  98. This is wonderful and long overdue. A friend of mine in Capetown had a White Shark assisted birth. That didn't, in all honesty, go so well but, hey, you can't make omelettes without breaking a few eggs, heh? Do keep posting.

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  99. Best. Post. I. Have. Ever. Seen.

    Thank you for making my day, along with the previous 110 comments. Some of you need to take a class in story-telling and humour.

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  100. Best of luck.
    It seems like you have covered all basis. What could possibly go wrong. Do keep us up to date. I will be nervous to hear how it all goes. It a big responsibility having the well being of all those KOI to worry about. Hope they all come through unscathed

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  101. Wondering if any of you crazy freebirthers ect ect have ever had one of their mums or babies die during childbirth? No? thought not. Yes women birth safely and naturaly all the time and always have done, but this is the C21st, and birth should be as safe as possible, and yes, preferably in the home. Please think again, I've read what all the koi people have said, not fair to the fish. Also not fair for the midwife attending. I really do hope this is a wind up!

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  102. "Why can't you let a mama intuit the path to eathside that her child is seeking?"

    The only thing a baby in utero "seeks" is food.

    This plan is crazycakes. As is whoever posted the comment that contains the above quote.

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  103. This has to be a joke. No way in hell any sane person would give birth in a pool full of fish and their feces. Yes you'll "clean" (with dangerous chemicals) the water but as soon as those fish are back in, so is the poop. You are sick if you are really doing this. May God have mercy on your poor baby.

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  104. you are frickin crazy! someone please call children services and the aspca if you are seriously thinking about doing this....yes while most births go just fine some do not i was due to have a normal vaginal delivery and had i decided to have a water birth or any other way that didn't include a doctor i would never have found out my child was coming out butt first and probably would have died tryin to push her out that way thankfully i was in a hospital and before i was too far along in labor they figured it out and i had an emergency c-section that saved mine and my daughter's life.
    Lady you are nuts for even thinking about doing this and you need to be put in an institution.....some people should NOT be allowed to reproduce.

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  105. FYI- u r goin to harm and possibly kill your fish and u could easily cause ur baby harm. Ur goin to destroy the bio system of the tank so when the fish poo, it the ammonia won't be converted to nitrate. It called the nitrogen cycle if u don't trust me. And the fish ain't gonna swim the baby to u. It will probably drown before ur husband can net it. And it will probably end up in NICU for a while with ur plan if it even survives. If u don't get the kid out of water before it takes it's first breath, it will just fill it's lungs with water. Then u got a really sick kid and a lot of explaing to DCFS to do. I may just call DCFS and let them know wat u 2 idiots r planning.

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  106. Very Funny- Thanks. i needed that.

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  107. You are being very selfish about this. You think that this will be an ok thing to do, but how many other documented koi assisted births have there been? My guess is little to none. The chemicals are bad for fish and baby both. You want a water birth, do as someone above suggested: put your pool NEXT to your koi pool. You want a natural birth? Then why are you doing something that will most likey harm your baby and fish?

    By the way, Willow: you are off your rocker.

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  108. I can read the above comments and discern in only seconds the percentage of people here that have a sense of humor.

    Love it.

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  109. I think the Koi will be better birthing partners if you practice attachment parenting with them before the big B-Day. You could toughen up your nipples by breastfeeding the Koi and put them into Ziplock (tm) bags (gallon size so they aren't cramped) and sleep with them. I'd be happy to look through my fabrics and see if I have something that a Koi might for a sling. Of course, it goes without saying that you'll cloth diaper the Koi when they are away from their natural habitat and in their Ziplock (tm). -treemonky at IOW

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  110. I can't believe people are falling for this. Koi lady, you are OSM.

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  111. So many loonies taking this seriously! Where is your sense of humor, people? I despair, I really do.

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  112. I think you should name him Koiden McCarp in honor of your fish doulas.

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  113. "Shane will be standing by with a net just in case" LOL - Is that for the koi or the baby? Maybe he'll need a gaff to bring that baby to the surface???!!! LOL LOL

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  114. What a stupid idea.

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  115. LOL!


    that is all......

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  116. I've never heard such tosh in all my life. I'm a midwife of many years and have no problem with womens views on labour or their choices but u should run this by her first, i wouldnt be happy!!!!

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  117. This has inspired me, I'm thinking about using red-bellied piranha as they are more suited to the higher temp of water required...or maybe electric eel

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  118. Don't worry, People, this is a joke. No midwife would let this happen anyway & neither would a doula. They would not only lose their licenses, but would do jail time for injury to a child. Lighten up and brighten up! Very funny, Mama! You made quite a stir with your story. Love it!

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  119. FISH BABY IS FISHY.

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  120. I would of loved to have Koi assisted delivery for my homebirth. But I couldn't because I don't have any koi and my house is not big enough for a large indoor tank. So instead I chose to give birth in front of my fish tank. The goldfish in there have been pets for quite a while and i sometimes take bathes in water, so I thought we would be at one as we have something in common. I was so disappointed! Fish are heartless bastards. They never even looked at me, let alone assisted me. For one thing they haven't got any hands and they are so forgetful. Just make sure that your koi are as good friends as you think they are, or you will be disappointed like I was. I am not friends with my goldfish now and no longer speak to them, I have unfriended them on Facebook. For my next birth I am thinking that gerbils would be good to birth with. Good luck!

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  121. "Jane and Shane" lol-- you should write more - this is brilliant.

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  122. you win the internets!

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  123. I really hope this is a joke as so many of you are saying that it is. Saying that people have no sense of humor, though...how can we have a sense of humor about this? There are so many fucked up people in this world that nothing would surprise me anymore.

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  124. I'm guessing "Jane" is probably really considering an at home birth. But I think she has totally fabricated the “Koi Assisted Birth” story because of unsolicited advice or opinion she more than likely received during her pregnancy. Unsolicited comments sorta comes with the territory. "Wow, you look so big are you having twins? Oh my you’re about to blow! Look at her she’s waddling already. Your giving birth at home, but don’t you have carpeting?" Or even worse than the comments are those that feel it’s ok to touch your belly. Do you touch my belly when I’m not pregnant? Back to my point I think Jane is pulling one over on that special someone who said something really stupid to her. Good one Jane! And good luck with your delivery no matter how you choose to do it! =)

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  125. LOL, this is way too funny. This just cannot be real.

    If you are serious, PLEASE get it on video, so that the hundreds of us who have read this thread can enjoy the festivities!!

    And I must repost the funniest comment in this thread:

    Iain Benson said...

    This is wonderful and long overdue. A friend of mine in Capetown had a White Shark assisted birth. That didn't, in all honesty, go so well but, hey, you can't make omelettes without breaking a few eggs, heh? Do keep posting.
    June 28, 2011 5:11 AM

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  126. These are not the koi you are looking for.

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  127. You must be mad. As a medic i am concerned about your mental halth and the childs well being. On the plus side at least you're not having a wild wolves assisted birth...... Ridiculous

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  128. I'm concerned for the mental health of the so-called medical professionals in this thread. Did you get you qualifications from a koi? This is a wind up.

    The OP posted as much on her board.

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  129. Jane, you ignorant slut. Frankly, I'm appalled.

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  130. May Dagon have mercy on your soul, lady, because you are planning some serious fish abuse. If you love your fish, don't do it. They will be so scared. Have you ever seen the face of a fish in abject terror?

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  131. Someone call Child Services or something. Lots of crazy people out there that's for sure.

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  132. Why would someone call CPS over an obvious joke? MORON!

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  133. I dream of re-birthing Koi.

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  134. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  135. I wish pepul wud stop dissing koii\\ pond births. =thats how i weas born and i am Justt fine hgg#^@

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  136. I wish you a KOI-FUL birth!!! Can I write about it on my blog www.cluelessincarolina.com? I can hire a fish communicator to translate their instructions, and record their comments in your new son's scrapbook!!!!

    Also, can I buy the rights to your story and make a movie called "The FishNess Of Being Born?"

    Peace out, my friends!!!!! Goddess Bless!!!!

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  137. http://blog.dreamhost.com/2011/03/09/wren-jones/

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  138. I know nothing about home births or Koi fish. But I've had 3 children born in a hospital. I'm not hating-to each their own- but I do worry about the water visibility. First off, you're adding a chemical that will turn the water purple. Which makes seeing any complications difficult. Secondly, do you know what happens to blood when peroxide is poured on it? It fizzes...badly! So purple, nasty, fizzy water...I pray you have a wonderful labor with no complications.

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  139. Stop that. It's silly.

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  140. Excuse me but these are not the hell your Koi.

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  141. I'm hoping its a joke but if not get ready for water changes after you foul the water.

    Also please tell your husband that lifting a koi that size with a net isn't good for the koi. It needs to be guided into a container of water and lifted.

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  142. This is priceless! Funniest thing I've ever read.

    A female koi lays approximately 100,000 eggs. They're pushed out of her as the males slam her into the sides of the pond.

    Maybe you should make sure all your koi are males so they can assist in the birth. At least they'll beat the crap out of you for doing something so stupid.

    Be sure to have Shane do a major water change on your pond so the fish don't suffer and die from your stupidity.

    You're one sick puppy but hey, thanks for the laugh.

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  143. Proof that some people should not be allowed to breed.

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  144. Someone call child services..

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  145. Please if anyone knows this fucking weirdo call child services... This woman is not smart enough to take care of a poor infant...Fuck she shouldn't be allowed to breed!!

    And to you "Jane".. If you really loved your kid and your fish this much, you wouldn't be trying so hard to kill them both. Seriously shame on you for being this stupid.

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  146. The net is really for all the people taking this way too seriously. Honestly, if you'd just take a jump in the tank and cool off a bit, I think you'd find the koi are very baby-like, just cold-blooded and scaly. Oh, and they don't nurse but they'll sure do a number on your nipples. Good times!

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  147. I really enjoyed reading this thread - SOOOO Funny. Of course, everything on the internet HAS to be gospel true!!!

    What I want is the story of their goldfish assisted conception ;) but definitely NOT the photographs This whole thing smells altogether too fishy . . .

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  148. Ok not to knock your choices but this isn't smart the fish are cold water fish so warm water means dead fish. Fish go to the bathroom in the water unless you are going to starve them for a week or so befor u give birth. Good luck in predicting that. I realy don't this was a realy thought out plan. IF this was a joke it did give me a good laugh.

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  149. Freak of nature

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  150. Carpe Diem Jane!........or is that Carp Die

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  151. "Anonymous said...

    Proof that some people should not be allowed to breed."
    June 30, 2011 11:00 AM
    "Anonymous said...

    Someone call child services.."

    PROOF THAT SOME PEOPLE NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT BEFORE FIRST ENGAGING CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. Hope that fucking helped :)

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  152. My Horse Likes VeniceJuly 1, 2011 at 2:29 AM

    May I respectfully suggest the name McCoi Carpatia. McCoi is obvious but Carpatia is a nod to Hypatia and as you know this is the condition in which one grossly overestimates their child's intelligence - you are doing the same with your koi.

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  153. Brings new meaning to the term 1 + 1.

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  154. May I suggest fishfingers as an amuse bouche between contractions and 'salmon enchanted evening' playing quietly in the background ~ Enjoy your fishy experience and maybe your next birth can be in a cave hanging upside down with bats which you most definitely are

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  155. Brilliant hoax, this is moving all around the world. Laughing my heart out in South Africa as I read how everyone is buying into this troll.
    Someone posted earlier that this is Jane's way of getting back at unthoughtful comments from people about her choice of birth. I agree with this. If people were more supportive of the choices educated people make then there would be no need to plan a hoax such as this to show them how utterly stupid they are.
    A woman has a right to choose the birth she wants. Most mothers would not endanger their child willingly. If Jane and Shane are competent enough to research different chemicals then they are competent enough to know this won't work. Lighten up fellars and read between the lines....it's a joke.

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  156. I want you to know how absolutely inspired I am by this, it truly is such a wonderful way to give birth, surrounded by Mother Nature!!!!! I plan to contact Sea World to see if they will let me give birth amongst their Manatees. They are such gentle creatures, truly God's angels of the seas!!!!1!
    Thank you so much for sharing your story, God Bless You!!!!!

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  157. Love it. You guys are funny - and you make a good statement about birth choices and education in this country. Good luck with your son's birth, I hope you get the birth you *really* want :)

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  158. I think this is brilliant, actually I am going to suggest this to my hubby. We are due 23/09/2011 might even make me famous, perhaps if we get the front page of the paper i'll be another form of Paris Hilton or the Kardashians. Better start preping the lady bits (don't want the fish getting caught in a net!) What a great way to get rid of any floaties! Might put a video on YouTube - watch this space. If anyone wants to join us after for a placenta fry-up let me know! Jane Doh.

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  159. Hilarious hoax. But the guys who have posted the "supportive" posts above are fecking insane!!

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  160. ^^ You're fucking insane for believing them, asswaffle :)

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  161. A Koi fish is nothing more than carp. You're going to have your kid along side filthy bottom feeders. The explosion of blood and tissue is going to make the Koi think it's feeding time. Please, please do not tell me you are so mind numbingly stupid as to actually consider this. If you are, it will be further proof that all common sense has escaped us, and people are no longer using their functioning brains.

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  162. ^^^^Please, please do not tell me you are so mind numbingly moronic as to believe Jane's hoax? Seriously?

    What is wrong with you? Engage brain first, post following.

    And for the record, I have a feeling Jane KNOWS THEY ARE FREAKING CARP GIVEN SHE HAS A POND FULL OF THE BASTARDS!

    Give me strength!

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  163. Whilst i wish you luck for a smooth, successful delivery (god knows you're going to need it if you think fish are going to help you in any way) I hope, and I mean this most sincerely, that someone intervenes before you put your baby at risk. To be delivered from a sterile environment into water containing fish, and the bye products thereof, plus any additional chemicals you've thrown in, is truely the most awful plan I have ever heard. And whilst I am mainly fearful for the health of your unborn child, I cannot help but feel a pang of sorrow for the Koi, who's natural environment is on the whole a) cooler and b) free of birthing women. I also feel it is outside of their remit to be responsible for bribing the baby to you.
    I can only assume this is your first baby. All I can say is, birth is not something you can really plan for. Your birth plan and the reality frequently bare no resemblence to one another. I hope this is the case for you.

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  164. LMAO @ kato's 'sincerity'. Classic concern troll!

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  165. Women frequently have bowel movements when pushing in the final stages of labor. There will also be alot of blood, visera, and other muck that comes out. You're going to kill your birthing partners. I don't think that's very nice.

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  166. Excuse me anonymous, I am not a troll. I do SINCERELY hope someone intervenes! I SINCERELY hope this birth plan does not happen. But, I also SINCERELY wish Jane a safe, and quick birth. Definately not a troll. If I have misinterpreted your comment, then I apologies, if not, then I refer you my initial response.

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  167. Darlins, I am rooting for you. May you make snopes by the end of the week.

    Normally, I would prefer a stork-assisted birth (for the usual reasons) but I suspect it would be unable to resist spearing some koi while you labored, which could give rise to interpersonal conflict between your birth attendants, and would be quite distracting. My husband ate a roast beef sandwich during one of my labors, and I had to make him go brush his teeth.

    I always provide snacks for my midwives. I hope you have planned ahead for your koi. Oh wait, I think someone already mentioned that upthread.

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  168. Just FYI - potassium permanganate soaks tint the skin like a really bad fake tan, so it won't be a blueberry baby. It'll be just like the old lady in There's Something About Mary.

    All the best for whatever happens with your birth, but I hope you've had the sage advice that things seldom go to plan with births...

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  169. Excuse me, Kato, you're obviously unaware of what a concern troll is. I'm most SINCERELY sorry that you are uniformed.

    Hope that helped! SINCERELY.

    Go, Jane, trick them all! This is hilarious.

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  170. Do you have a PhD in Koi?

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  171. Please god let this be fake.

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  172. as screwed up and stupid as people are now, I sincerely hope you're joking

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  173. Good luck! It's not the way I'd go,but as you point out,it is your baby. I wish you all well.

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  174. Excuse me anonymous, why don't you enlighten me? I'm interested in everything you have to say.

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  175. You wouldn't overstand, Kato. Go ask the Koi.

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  176. Yeah, you're absolutely right. I'm incapable of even the most basic comprehension. How well you know me...oh no, wait, you don't know me at all. You bloody keyboard warrior.

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  177. I wonder if your baby will be born with a penchant towards Koi Kibble?

    I think adding an electric eel to the mix would make for an even more shocking experience. Would they survive in the koi pond water?

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  178. You are going to come back and post pictures after the birth right? What a great idea. I'll have to run this idea by my hubby maybe he will reconsider having another if we could have a koi birth ; ) Great blog thanks for the laugh.

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  179. Kato, I'm sensing defensiveness and your armchair diagnosis is incorrect. I'm a pacifist. Frankly, I'm appalled that you believe Jane. Most SINCERELY APPALLED.

    Foam cricket bats at noon, EST. Be here. And bring some oranges for half time.

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  180. You must be American right ???? I'm sorry but you are quite plainly off your collective rockers Potassium Permanganate on a new born child for one the child protection people would take it away and the ASPCA would confescate you koi faster than that.
    Quite plainly you need help so does you husband and the midwife deserves to be struck off for even hinking about agreeing to this.
    Koi have eggs people have babies

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  181. re you sure this isnt the first of April or Candid camera or something along those lines ???
    This is about the duumbest thing I've ever heard of.
    Ajoining padded cells for the both of you for even thinkng it

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  182. Hey Lady , Are you Quite sure your pregnant m'mm are you sure you aint got Dropsy

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  183. Love and lite bag o shite dang new age hippy types you need lockin up darlin

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  184. Surely Anonymous the whole point in this blog is to incite debate. Real or not, it gets people talking. There are plenty of people on here who have commented on this scenario as if it were genuine. I don't know why you find this appalling. If everyone responded to it as a fake don't you think it would be boring and pointless? Also, I personally like to think there are people on the planet crazy enough to want to deliver their first born into a fish pond. That idea alone made me want to comment.
    All that aside, and regardless of the fact that i'm miffed with you for performing a 5 second character assassination on me, and making me feel like I'm being personally attacked, I am still non the wiser about what a concern troll is. Are you going to tell me or not? Come on anonymous. Just tell me. What is a concern troll? You don't have to speak to me ever again after this. Promise.

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  185. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  186. Anonymous, surely the whole point of this is to incite debate? Plenty of people have responded as if it were genuine. If everyone treated it as fake it would be pointless and boring.
    Why is my response in particular appalling to you? Real or fake, I enjoyed being horrified by the concept of someone delivering their first born into a fish pond, and I enjoyed commenting.
    All this aside, and despite the fact I am in a huff with you for carrying out a 5 second character assassination on me, I would still like to know what a "concern troll" is. Are you going to tell me or not? Come on anonymous, just tell me, then you'll never have to communicate with me again. You'll never have to type "sincerely" in capitals again either (although secretly I think you like it). You wouldn't believe how many times I've tried to type this message, on my phone i might add. I think I've shown enough commitment to be deserving of the answer.

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  187. Oh I'm concerned Jane concerned enough to answer your comemnts "Potasium permanganate could do your baby harm" if your planning a water birth why not just be like normal couples hospitals have birthing pools
    Next your body will be releasng stress hormones that a koi will most probably pick up on and be stressed out by.
    You propose to knock out a normally working koi ponds biological filtration ecosystem etc for he sake of giving birth to your child.
    Koi are not birthing buddies husbands are, there is a complete difference koi have eggs thousands of them "not Babies as you quote" the male koi is only there to scatter milt(sperm)after that his duties are over, he will if left in the pond then have a go at eating some of those eggs as will the female.
    The babies or fry when they hatch out are totally fair game to the mother and father koi and they will canniblize any that they come across.
    Humans have babies birthing partners,they are called husbands who dont eat babies.
    Ask any midwife worth her or his salt, a midwife would never agree to a baby being birhed in a birthing pool that is in acctual fact a koi pond with life koi in it, in fact they would probably report you to the authorities for child endangerment.
    Have you ever read a bottle or Potasium Permanaganates warning one reads Oxidising the other and I'll print this large HARMFUL now if that isn't warning enough to you then you should be locked up for putting a newly born baby at risk of great harm.
    My main concern is you are willing to go ahead with this crazy plan.
    I'd be the first to congratulate you should you go for a normal water birth as its one of the best ways of giving birth in my book anyday, but what your doing is wrong, totally wrong.
    Please for the sake of your baby do not go ahead with this.
    I can garentee if you do you'll be in court before you know it having that baby confiscated by the Authorities and you a spell in a hospital on mental health charges.
    Lets rethink this and give birth in a bithing pool at your local hospital.

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  188. I think this is a lovely birth plan! When I had my daughter, we also did it at home (of course!).

    I have always felt an intense affinity with cats, so I made sure that all 9 of mine were available to aid me in guiding my skin-child into the world. Their gentle purring vibrations were better than any anesthetic, and as the Harvest Moon rose bright over the snowy fields, my contractions quickened in tune to the purring and rubbing of my feline midwives. My daughter Felynia was delivered in a burst of meows and purrs, the cats twining between my legs as her head emerged, in a glorious symphony of nature and love.

    They also made a terrific cleanup team and I had nothing more to worry about besides bundling Felynia in an organic cotton blanket and saving the placenta for the hearth-altar to Gaia. It was everything I could have hoped a birth to be! I wish you love and laughter as your aquatic friends welcome the blessing of new life from your womb. -Rainbow

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  189. Aww rainbow you are totally off your chump along with Jane here.
    I'm a cat person as well as a koi keepers cats should not be allowed to taste anything that is of human origin the same applies to dogs lest they be put to sleep which is normally what happens.
    Love and Laughter dosent come into this nor does Gaia the only laughter that you should both hear i the laughter of inside the nut hatch were you both belong for putting your babies at risk of infection etc I feel very sorry for the both of you perhaps you can have ajoining padded Cells

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  190. Try as I might, I can't find "Lupa's canine assisted birth" on YouTube. Jane, I hope your birth video is easier to find!

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  191. You've got to be kidding, right?

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  192. Oh hai, Kato. You didn't turn up! This is probably a good thing because I'm a pacifist and foam bats or not, there is still the implication of violence. Still, you could have left some oranges.

    Character assassination? I wish blogger allowed for emoticons. You got in a huff? Really? I thought I was tightly wound. Wow.

    I'd love to chat more but there are comments to read that are actually funny. I'm sorry you are so concerned. It must be difficult having your funny bone surgically removed and given a spike up your southern most regions instead. *pats*

    Fare thee well, boring asshole troll. All the best with your concern.

    Vibe high, CAPITALS FOREVER!

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  193. Hullo there, hope I am not too late to this particular party.

    I am a fish (perch, so not a koi, but I am surely qualified to add a little to the debate in this area)

    We fish are naturally designed to act as naturally as possible. What could be more natural than the creation of life (doesn't matter what species), and we fish will be happy and, most importantly, able to help as much as we can.

    The koi will surely lift the babba to the surface immediately after birth, and cause him no harm. To all you critics - open your eyes, look around you, and always always always "think fish".

    Thank you
    Perchy

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  194. Goodbye anonymous. It's been a huge, all to brief pleasure. Never mind, all good things come to an end. Toodle pip.

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  195. Ps. The Oxford English Dictionary defines 'Pacifism' as "the belief that disputes should be settled peacefully and the war and violence are wrong.
    You, Anonymous, are NOT a pacifist. Hope you enjoyed the use of the uppercase there...I did.
    The defining feature between the two of us is not Pacifism, it is that I have the ability to conduct myself in a written or verbal discussion without resorting to mindless name calling. What is it they say?....."empty vessels make the most noise".

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  196. This can't possibly be a joke because it makes so much more sense to me than ANY other birthing method ever has. WATER. WARM. NATURE. FLUID. SPIRIT. NATURE. It's birth the way Jesus intended, people!!

    Though I hate the color purple so I think maybe I'll go with a different antiseptic. The right concentration of bleach so it's totally safe. And maybe some green food colouring. Or orange. I LOVE ORANGE! Plus then my baby will be really clean right off the bat! Not like my last 2 births. Disgusting.

    Also I think I'll substitute a creature that can handle much warmer water than koi can. But is also impervious to bleach, blood, fecal matter, and vicodin. Sea cucumber?

    Oh shiii... I'm allergic to shellfish... Is that gonna be a problem? Will my vagina be consuming shellfish particulates?

    I'm gonna consult prettymuch a billion professionals so this is safe and sane and makes me more famous than Octomom.

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  197. LMAO!!!! Lemme know when you start to crown...I'll bring my pole! All I can picture in my head is a cowering school of fish saying, WTF!

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